

Jason Weiss
Jun 1, 2024
The Heart of Kindness
Starting with Yourself
At the end of the day, we emphasize being kind to others and the importance of kindness in general. When you think about kindness, you might envision treating other people with respect, being generous with your time, listening to others' points of view, or helping someone in need. These acts of kindness—towards strangers, colleagues, friends, and family—are undoubtedly valuable. However, there's a critical aspect of kindness often overlooked: kindness to yourself.
Many of us were raised with the principle of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This golden rule encourages us to treat others the way we want to be treated. But here's a thought-provoking twist: What if we reversed this principle? “Do unto yourself as you would do to others?” Research indicates that many people are kinder to others than they are to themselves. Self-compassion, however, is crucial for our well-being and success.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, highlights that "self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a good friend." According to Neff's studies, self-compassion is strongly associated with emotional resilience and psychological well-being. People who practice self-compassion are less likely to experience anxiety and depression and more likely to achieve their goals.
Consider the analogy of the oxygen mask on an airplane: you must secure your own mask before assisting others. This isn't just a metaphor; it's a survival strategy. Similarly, taking care of yourself is essential for sustaining your ability to care for others. When we constantly prioritize others' emotions and needs over our own, we deplete our energy reserves, leaving little for self-care.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes that "daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." Setting boundaries is a form of self-kindness that allows us to protect our time, energy, and emotional well-being. This practice can be transformative, enabling us to show up more fully for others without burning out.
Imagine the possibilities if you treated yourself with the same kindness you extend to others. What if you gave yourself a break when you're not at your best? What if you were kind to yourself when you failed or didn't meet your own standards? What if you celebrated your successes instead of attributing them to luck or external factors?
Our inner dialogue often contains harsh criticisms we would never direct at others. If a friend or colleague made a mistake, you wouldn't berate them with words like, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a moron?" Yet, many of us speak to ourselves this way. Dr. Rick Hanson, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, explains that "our brains are wired to focus on negative experiences and self-criticism." This negativity bias can be countered through conscious practice of self-kindness and self-compassion.
Kindness to oneself does not yield immediate visible rewards, like the smiles and thank-yous we receive when we're kind to others. It’s akin to soft skills in leadership—vital to success yet often undervalued. However, the impact of self-kindness is profound and far-reaching. By nurturing ourselves, we build a foundation for genuine kindness towards others.
So, how do you measure the success of being kind to yourself? Look for improvements in your emotional resilience, mental health, and overall satisfaction. The journey of self-kindness begins with small, intentional steps. Set realistic goals for self-care, practice mindfulness, and seek support from trusted advisors.
Ultimately, true kindness begins internally. By being kind to ourselves, we cultivate a wellspring of kindness that naturally extends to others. This shift can transform our lives and the lives of those around us. What changes could you make today to start treating yourself with the kindness you deserve? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments or reach out to explore this subject further. Together, we can foster a culture of kindness that starts from within.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
— Buddha
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